At Last My Love Has Come Along
This week we’re picking up the story of recovery and restoration with one of my favorite parts: when Prince Charming appears! If you missed the last post in the series, you can find it here.
Did you know that hurt people hurt people? Many narcissists grow up with deep wounds and, to cover them, develop the nasty habit of wounding others. They’ve bought the lie that it’s more painful to offload the pain than it is to cart it around with them. Some don’t even know what started it for them because their wounds are inflicted when they’re too young to remember. So sad. But, that doesn’t give them the right to go on hurting, and I don’t have to stand still and take it. Leaving a dysfunctional situation empowers me to rediscover my voice.
I do a lot of staring out the window as I contemplate my view of God. Seriously. Like four months. I reread Job. I cry my way through books by Max Lucado about the cross. God convicts me, oh-so-gently, that not trusting that He is sovereign and that He loves me is a passive-aggressive way of calling Him a liar. He proved Himself on the cross and at the empty tomb. He’s big enough to take every question I throw at Him, but He also owes me nothing more outrageously obvious than providing for my eternal life.
My health insurance is now “pay as you go” so I pay as little as possible. I’m on a spending freeze, pouring my savings into sexy things like the mortgage, utility bills, and groceries. I continue taking the thyroid prescription – at a reasonable dosage! – and work with a compounding pharmacist to try to manage my hormones. Their mischief is not entirely managed.
After months of rest and soul-searching, God knows I’m ready for more and opens a door. I accept a position working from home developing curriculum for a start-up educational business. I’m learning. It pays the bills. The hours are flexible. In short: it’s perfect.
And, every so often, I get together with Phil and a handful of former colleagues for a dinner of Tex-Mex champions: chips, queso and margaritas. 😉 Clearly, I’ve not yet realized my body is developing food sensitivities and no longer absorbs nutrition well. Actually … so many of the issues I have can be traced back to problems with my genes and my gut. Because my stomach doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t occur to me. I don’t know to ask these questions yet, and the doctors I’m seeing aren’t asking them either.
It takes some time before I recognize Prince Charming sitting across the table. But, I do appreciate the gentle friendship and keen sense of humor I’m beginning to recognize. I notice my heart starts to skip a beat every now and then when our eyes meet across the basket of chips. Thirty nine years is a LONG time to wait and I’ve always been wrong before. But … could it be that, at last, my love has come along? A little more on figuring this out in next week’s post!
During this season, two books that resonated with me deeply were He Chose the Nails and In the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado. If you think food sensitivities could be part of your story, I highly recommend reading up on NAET and checking out Dirty Genes by Dr. Ben Lynch. And, this is now a must-have for Tex-Mex nights … just in case.