For Mothers of Angel Babies
God is unpredictable. Any of my friends who’ve navigated the ups and downs of infertility and loss know this is true. You’ll also understand why what happened next took us completely by surprise and left me searching – again – to make sense of it all.
Eighteen months after surgery to remove uterine fibroids and an ablation that cauterized my uterus, I have a completely normal cycle. “So odd!” I think, especially after 12 months of detoxing and grieving the end of my years of fertility. I receive it as a sign of healing, never dreaming what happens next is even possible. We conceive!
Unlike previous pregnancies, for the first time I have mixed feelings. “Wow, God! I thought You’d given me a vision of the next 20 years and this changes everything.” Phil and I grapple with this change in plans and reality settles in. God puts a name on my heart and this time, it’s one we’ve always talked of using: Nathan Michael, in honor of both our fathers.
Then it happens again. And just like that, he’s gone. I lay in bed thinking, “What possible good comes from this, Lord? After all the coming to peace, why would You raise our hopes only to dash them again? It just seems cruel.”
When it’s over, I resume my sauna treatments and they give me time to think, cry, meditate, question. All of which God welcomes. They also give me time to listen and understand something I’ve never considered before. Because of Anneliese’s death and our first two miscarriages, for years I’ve been contemplating God’s plan for little ones He brings quickly to Himself, so these things make sense. I’ll leave it to you to line it up with what you know of Scripture and decide what you think, but here’s what I think He showed me.
For reasons of His own, God knew I wouldn’t be a mother this side of eternity. But I prayed as I did the meaningful work He gave me to do instead. I hoped. Many prayed, begging God to bless me in this way. And, in the kindest way possible, a way He knew my body could tolerate, God answered with three little ones I’ll meet in eternity.
If I had held Hope, Haven, and Nathan in my arms and had the privilege of knowing them in this lifetime, I would’ve prayed every day for God to reveal Himself to them, to shelter them from the pain of sin, and to grant them joy and happiness. And, right now, in the mysterious realm we can only slightly imagine, I believe God has answered the prayers of my mother heart.
Mother friends, if you have carried angel babies, can I just tell you: they aren’t lost. They are perfect. They are safe. They will not come to us, but we will go to them. And, what a day or celebration that will be … when we look into their eyes, hold them in our arms, and hear them say, “Thank you for carrying me, even for a short time, so that eternity together is possible.”
My friends, that’s a worthy way to partner with our sovereign and loving God. It’s what I cling to as I move forward with the healing process.